Clinton to Run for Icelandic President


Buoyed by the Icelandic Parliament’s decision to grant citizenship to one-time chess great Bobby Fischer, former US President Bill Clinton is reportedly considering running against current Icelandic President Olafur Ragnar Grimsson.

Unlike the US, the Icelandic president can be foreign born. He must, however, be an Icelandic citizen which is why Mr. Clinton contacted his friend David Oddsson, the former prime minister and current foreign minister, to initiate citizenship hearings.

It is thought that all of Iceland’s recently-passed, Draconian immigration laws will be waived for Clinton, as they were for Fischer.

The right-wing minister of justice, Bjorn Bjarnason, who a few years ago proposed the new immigration legislation that basically reads if you’re not a famous, chess-playing anti-Semite don’t even think about applying for Icelandic citizenship, was excited at the possibility of Clinton moving to Iceland.

“He will bring the spotlight onto our beautiful country,” said Bjarnason, as he strummed the Woody Guthrie song “This Land is Your Land” on his steel-string guitar. “We are excited at the prospect of Clinton defeating that Baugur-loving Olafur Ragnar Grimsson dude.”

Bjarnason also said that since Clinton is honourable, tolerant, and a carrying humanist the former president might help improve Iceland’s image, which has tarnished since Fischer moved here.

President Olafur Ragnar Grimsson is currently playing monopoly and was unavailable for comment. However, his office suggested that Grimsson would easily defeat Clinton in a head-to-head election because Grimsson has a really big gold necklace, and a 66° North rain slicker.

While many Icelanders were giddy about the prospect of Clinton becoming their president, Haukson Haukson, a local hotdog vendor, spoke for the silent majority who is, as Haukson so eloquently phrased it, not thrilled about yet another foreigner coming to Iceland.

“With his strong appetite for hotdogs we are concerned that Clinton might take all the good hotdogs, and leave only the low-paying hotdogs for the rest of the country, as most foreigners usually do,” Haukson Haukson said.

Haukson Haukson has a point. On Clinton’s last visit to Iceland, he hung out at the hotdog stand Bjarnsbesti all day, missing his scheduled appointments.

“Ísland fyrir Íslendinga,” Haukson Haukson added. “If we have any hotdogs left over after the drunks eat them on Friday and Saturday night, we’d gladly share. But those hotdogs are first and foremost for Icelanders.”

So what does Iceland’s newest citizen, Bobby Fischer, think about Mr. Clinton moving to his newly adopted country? Fischer was unavailable for comment. He’s busy tending to his recently purchased sheep farm, located in the West Fjords, which he bought with the ISK 200 million he wired from his Swiss bank account.

Why did Fischer purchase a sheep farm?

“The five Jews living in Reykjavik are too many for me so I’m moving to the country to spend time with my sheep,” he told David Oddsson, who was trying to convince Fischer to do a play-by-play recap of the 1972 chess match that brought Iceland so much glory.

Responding to Fischer’s comments against Reykjavik’s Jewish population, chairman of the Left-Green Party, Steingrímur Sigfússon, who normally speaks out against intolerance and racism, gave the confused response:

“It’s the media’s fault because everyone knows there are six Jews living in Reykjavik, not five.” Thinking the microphones were turned off, Steingrímur muttered something about becoming Clinton’s assistant because his Left-Green party is unable to boost its representation in parliament thanks to those “meanies in the media”.

Fischer’s purchase of the sheep farm was a welcome relief to Icelanders who were concerned that Fischer might have to move to the East Fjords and work on the Kárahnjúkar dam project, seeing that there is no real money to be made playing chess in Iceland.

Fischer refused to work on the dam, though, saying that big construction projects that rip up large chunks of untouched land should be built by poor immigrants who get fleeced out of their full salary by corrupt construction companies that under-bid reputable companies thanks to governments that look the other way.

As for Clinton, he’s still in New York, waiting for the Icelandic parliament to grant him citizenship, and for some wealthy Icelandic businessman to hire a private jet so he can travel in style to his newly adopted home and run for president. EW

Views expressed here are the author's own and do not necessarily reflect the opinions of Iceland Review.